Out of the Ashes
by AliceSloane13
Summary: There's always a turning point, when things stop happening the way you planned them to and take on a life of their own. Sometimes these moments lead into darkness and other times they lead towards hope.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: So begins another journey. This is only the tip of what has been planned out and outlined. I don't know how exactly this is going to be posted after a certain point. Jo and I each have big chunks of it planned, but for now - we'll start at the beginning.

XOXOXO

"You're going to be fine," Red promised. "You'll be out before you know it," she added, trying to reassure Nicky - trying to reassure herself.

When Nicky had come back from Max she was no longer certain who would be leaving first. Now she knew. It was the best possible outcome in her mind. Nicky would be safe and the time between their release dates was so close together that they would be back together sooner. They had spent more time apart when Nicky had gone to max. This would be easy.

Nicky hadn't opened up much about what had transpired and now that she was leaving Red wished that she had pushed for more details. What had her girl already been through without her? Would this feel just as lonely for her? There were so many questions she had, but know it was too late to ask them. She wouldn't leave Nicky with those demons being the last of the words between them.

Red knew it wasn't as easy as she wanted to believe. It wasn't _much_ time, but they still had to get through it. She thought back to what prison had been like when she was alone. It had been many years, but you don't forget that kind of fear.

Nicky had her friends and family, but Red knew that without her presence Nicky would suffer. They had become so close that her presence in Nicky's life had left the girl bordering on co-dependent. She had done her a disservice by indulging Nicky's constant need to reaffirm their bond at a moment's notice.

It had been so easy on the inside, but now Nicky would need to stand on her own. There was no doubt in Red's mind that she was capable of it, but it was something she should have given her more practice with.

Red would be counting the days until Nicky's release right alongside Nicky. She needed her to be okay and she knew that her desire to see her with her own arms and feel her warmth wrapped up in her arms would eat away at her sanity until they were reunited.

"Four months," Nicky said. She crossed her arms and looked to the floor. Reality was becoming too painful. Red already felt miles away. She wanted to move to her and hold on, but she knew moving would cause her to break.

"Three and a half," Red corrected in amusement. It wasn't a light moment, but Nicky's over exaggeration even now was precious to her. Her antics and flair for dramatics would be sorely missed. She stepped closer and opened her mouth to speak.

Wanda's voice broke into their conversation with a flat uninterested tone. "You'll both be leaving in four months at this rate. Hurry it up ladies. I don't got all day."

Nicky reached forward and grabbed Red's hands. "A hundred and thirteen days," she whimpered her voice needy and in desperate need for reassurance. She raised brown eyes, tinted green with tears, to meet Red's and her bottom lip wobbled. It was too long.

"Not an hour longer," Red promised as her eyes began to water. She squeezed Nicky's hands and brought them to her lips.

A less than subtle impatient coughing reached their ears. Wanda's impatience was merely a reminder that it was time to face reality. She was leaving and Nicky was staying behind. Red silently cursed herself. She was supposed to be the strong one. "Come here," she said, opening her arms.

Taking a step forward, Nicky quickly moved into the embrace. "I'm gonna miss you," she said, hugging tightly. She tried to restrain herself - tried not to claw at the other woman's shoulders, but it was no use. Her hands desperately raked at the firmness beneath them searching for something to latch onto.

Nodding, Red spoke gently to her, "I know this isn't easy, but it's not forever. Three and a half months - that's it." She slipped a hand beneath Nicky's hair, knowing that at times it would calm her. Closing her eyes in pain she pulled Nicky tighter against her.

Nicky could hear the regret in Red's voice. She was headed into freedom and all Nicky was doing was making her feel guilty for it. Sucking up her own pain, she raised up on her toes so that she could rest her chin on Red's shoulder rather than keeping her face tucked against it. It was a silent attempt at taking a more dominant and independent stand. She could do this. Red didn't need to worry. Nicky would do her best to be okay.

Red chuckled and moved her hands to Nicky's waist, pushing her firmly back down. "Nice try little girl," she murmured, pulling Nicky's head back down against her shoulder. She felt, as well as heard, the sob that Nicky let out. "It's okay sweetheart. It's okay to be upset. You don't have to be strong for me."

Nicky nodded, trying to swallow back her tears. She wasn't ready to say goodbye. Not now. Not ever. Red had been her lifeline since her earliest days. Without her, Nicky just felt lost. Already she could feel the tether between them loosening into something unnerving. Their bond wouldn't lessen, but it wouldn't be accessible to Nicky anytime she needed it lack it always had been.

Since they had met a tether had grown between them that was just as strong as a mother's and her newborn's. This would be the stretch that out to a distance that Nicky didn't want to think about. She just silently prayed that it wouldn't break.

Pulling her back by her shoulders, Red cupped Nicky's face in her hands. "I'll come visit every time they let me and we'll talk on the phone every night. Okay?" she asked, wiping at Nicky's tears.

"Okay," Nicky replied weakly. It wasn't enough. "You'll be here when I get out?"

Red scrunched up her brow in confusion. Nicky was looking at her with the desperation of a child who had been forgotten at school far too many times. She and Nicky had become so close over the years that she sometimes forgot that Marka's shadow and the damage she had done loomed over Nicky in moments of vulnerability.

Her face melted into one of gentle affection. Running a thumb against Nicky's cheek she nodded. Dropping her forehead against Nicky's she promised. "I'll be here. I'll be here an hour early just to be sure. I'm not going anywhere without you," she promised. It went unspoken that Red would want to get her hands on Nicky just as soon as possible.

"Ma…" Nicky whimpered. She didn't know how to articulate her feelings.

There was a pain in Red's chest that she knew wouldn't go away until Nicky's release. "Baby," she cooed, pulling Nicky too her one more. She pulled her against her squeezed her in a bruising embrace, hoping that it would be enough to remember.

Nicky closed her eyes and let Red rock her from side to side. She couldn't get close enough and in moments Red would be gone. "I love you," she confessed, voice cracking.

Red kissed Nicky's forehead. "I know you do sweetheart."

Panic seemed to push all her fears to the surface. Red wasn't a sappy person, but she needed her to say it. Silent gestures had been enough up until now, but she needed more. Vibrations echoed in her ear from Red's and she tensed in anticipation.

"Sweet girl," Red said, pulling Nicky's head against her chest tighter. Nicky's face burrowed against the side of her neck and Red closed her eyes as if in pain. It was time to go. "I know I haven't told you, but I love you so much. Don't you dare doubt that - I'll know if you do. You're mine kid. Don't forget that. I love you Nicky."

She felt hot tears against her neck. She pulled Nicky back and cupped her face in a painful grip. She didn't want to go. "I love you," she reaffirmed once more. Dragging this out much longer would only make it worse, yet she couldn't severe herself from the younger woman.

"I love you too," Nicky promised. She slid her hands over Red's and pulled them down gripping tightly. She nodded. "Go now," Nicky pleaded. She was going to fall apart and break both their hearts otherwise.

Red nodded in understanding. She wouldn't be able to handle seeing Nicky beg. She gave Nicky one final kiss and backed away. Not making anymore eye contact.

Back against the wall, Nicky crumbled to the floor and rested her head on her knees.

Wanda looked at the younger woman and scowled. She watched many goodbyes over the years and not a single one had ever affected her until now. She crossed her arms and met Red's warning look. Tilting her head briefly in understanding, she spoke. "She's got a lot of support in here. She'll be fine."

Red understood the one thing Wanda wasn't voicing, but was attempting to say. _You did a good job. She's safe here with the family you built here._

Before Red knew it, the gate was open and she was on the other side. She gave herself one last look over her shoulder and wished she hadn't. She could see Nicky's shoulders shaking in sobs of emotion. Wet red eyes met her own. She took a heavy breath as Nicky rose to her feet wiping angry tears off her face.

"Be good," Red called out to her.

Nicky folded her arms across her stomach and nodded. She waited until she heard the door shut needing to stay, but not being able to watch Red disappear.

Standing in the hall, Nicky waited for the panic to settle in. She had never been very good with goodbyes. Her fear of abandonment shadowing over every departure she'd known.

"Get it together Nichols," Wanda barked as she walked away. Her heavy footsteps thudded down the empty hall. "You'll survive," she added, with mocking disinterest. It had been a heartfelt moment, but she wasn't sappy enough for the feeling to linger.

Responding with a nod, Nicky attempted to make Wanda go away. She didn't care what she had to say and she definitely didn't care about feeling better. She felt broken and trying to brush that away felt wrong.

Her own twisted instincts told her to embrace the pain. She needed something to hold onto. Nicky knew that in time her own demons would try and convince her that Red's feelings were only wishful thinking – that the emotional goodbye they had was something superficial and one sided. Holding on to happiness was something Nicky was unfamiliar with. Pain, however, was something she wouldn't regret and the pain of Red's release was devastatingly painful.

Suffering had always been her favorite vice. Drugs were just a means to an end. They were her constant companion and reminder of the emptiness that was her life. Her very existence had been a mistake and somehow in her own mind Nicky saw that as a sign that her life would never matter. A bit melodramatic, but the only person who had ever fought for her had just left and dramatic was the mood she was in.

Drugs weren't an option, but there were other methods to solidify this moment. She wanted to embrace the pain of Red leaving, not lose her altogether. Nicky's mind spun through the options she had available.

She knew sex would be the best distraction, but she needed something more than a quick conquest in the bathroom. She needed something more passionate – more violent. She wasn't willing to expose herself to just anyone in this state.

Alex could be fun, but she didn't want to deal with the pity that she knew she would receive. The pity would definitely be there, even though her friend tried to seem stoic and mysterious. Besides, she and Piper were briefly settled into something bordering on normal. She didn't need those kinds of complications.

Her mind stumbled upon an answer that pleased her. She didn't want to go find someone to fuck. She wanted someone who would fuck her. Someone who would allow her to work through her shit without judgement or even care. Nodding her head in acceptance, she headed towards the yard.


	2. Chapter 2

Hey guys, I just wanted to let you know that I won't be updating this story here any longer. It's become part of a much bigger story that Johanna-002 and I have been working on.

We've opened up a joint account, AliceJoDowntheRabbitHole, and it will be posted and updated from there. I've reworked this chapter a bit and will post the updated version as the beginning of the new story.

We're really excited about this story and hope you all enjoy it as well!


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